The voice in me

I cried! Oh my, why am such a cry baby. But yes ! I cried again today. It had been a long while since I did such a thing while at work. But I felt overwhelmed with emotions, I stepped away from my client, went in my office and cried. Thank God my boss was there he took over.

Now that am reflecting, what hurt me the most is the amount of effort, heart, mind and strength I put into helping this person, only for them to take it as if its all nothing. This tapped into the raw areas of my life am working on. It tapped into that zone of unresolved issues am trying to unpack and deal with: low self esteem. This incident helped me understand that whenever my effort is not accepted or acknowledged, I get triggered. If I pour my heart out on anything, which is what I usually do, and it doesn’t work out, I get triggered of the long standing negative belief systems: ‘not good enough’, ‘nothing I ever do works’ ‘am of no significance’.

However am happy to say that today I bounced back faster than I usually do. Back then my whole day would be ruined, but today even as I type I feel this release, this joy, in me, though the issue is no where close from being over. But there is this peace in me knowing that I gave it my best and that is enough. And the peace in my heart, perhaps its God telling me that I see you, you are alright, I got you. So am fine now.

Perhaps am making progress in my healing journey, learning that my confidence should not relay on validation from people or results, rather from the one who created me. What matters most is that my heart is in the right place. I choose Jesus anytime any day, because He really does help. Of cause I still have to work my way around the matter, but I will be doing it with a free heart, which frees my potential to do even more. My self esteem is slowly growing and its totally depended on God who by the way, NEVER FAILS.

Cheers!