Its a negative trait I happen to have, all compliments fall on deaf ears. My heart would have already decided what it wants to believe so you cant really convince me otherwise.
I know its bad, but I don’t know how to change. Every time I just brush it off and be like they are just being nice, and that’s the end of it
you look good, I love your dress, you smell nice, I love your hair, you are smart, creative etc. All these may or may not have come my way, but hey who was counting?
Looking back ten years ago, I never imagined being where I am today. According to my plans, I was supposed to be in a different career, in my home country, having started a family, you know the normal things like everyone else I knew. But here I am in a totally different world.
Back then I never knew I would be interested in writing or drawing. Who knew I was going to be in a different country I never dreamt of, doing a job I never imaged or thought of doing. I remember I had a friend we had a plan, a plan to build something big, but unfortunately even that person is no longer in the picture. One thing has remained constant though, my family and God. I can’t say the same about my faith because along the way I struggled to keep on believing. At least am working on that for now, slowly rebuilding what was completely destroyed at some point. and I cant say myself because I too changed.
Every singly event led me to where I am today, my thought process, belief system and fears, character, everything has been influenced by every encounter, good or bad. They are all a part of me and who I have become. Whether I like it or not, its me now.
Yes, there are things I can change but unfortunately others, I can’t, at least for now. We just have to make peace with the fact that Life is unpredictable, we may plan but it may never be, we may hope but it may never come, but at least we still have ourselves, so we continue to make the best of ourselves no matter where we find ourselves. There are a few constant people like in my case, family, got to appreciate them and love them with all we have, also God who in every season remains God and should be referenced in all we do. Everything else is out of our hands at least most of the times.
I remember my prayer in this season was God to help me to be more stable, in my walk. Am often shaken by many things, considered too emotional. Am learning to master my spirit. Not every battle is worth my attention. Am learning that I should walk in love. Am also learning to trust God, let him have my frustrations and disappointment, and let Him deal with it because He is just. Am also learning to pray for my enemies, not an easy task , but something I got to do
Am learning to protect my peace my faith and purpose.
I know its how we often show concern and reach out to others. I for one ask this question way to often than not, BUT I don’t like being asked the same.
This is for simple reason, in that moment in time I will be having a thousand things running through my mind. Yes I have been working on my natural talent of over thinking, so it may be a simple issue, but I would have ran a marathon with it, gone to the highs and the lows of the matter in my silence. When you ask me if am ok, its like taking me back 3 000 steps ,and I don’t even know my way . I wont be able to answer. I wont know how to explain everything to you so that you can see things the way I see them, so am forced to say, AM FINE, but really deep down, I desperately need help.
Rather I hear, ‘Talk to me’ , that way, it all explodes and am set free.. but asking me if am ok, its like sealing me up with a volcano errupting inside.
It triggered emotions. Emotions so deep they had to be expressed and since writing is my game, it birthed a book. A book I look back and wonder where did I ever get all these wisdom nuggets. Time and time again the book guides me. I guess that was or is the latter success.
I got to say the year is moving pretty fast. We are in the third month already. I barely feel like we have just started.
Becoming a somebody
Well it marks month number 4 of celibacy. I have to say there are days I feel lonely. its one thing to go for dates and never get to be in a relationship , compared to not going on any dates at all. I have been closed up. no interesting string of chats on my phone. My social accounts all closed up . Just trying to focus on a better me.
Though there is a down side, loving myself has been rewarding. Am respecting my feelings and understanding my emotions more. Have been learning to focus on things that matter. Its like my mind just cleared up and I see things a bit differently. Not all the things I have planned have worked out. I was supposed to be at my new job by now. I was supposed to have changed my wardrobe by now, but it doesn’t negate the fact that I have been learning and unlearning some important things which believe are necessary for the next seasons in my life.
I have been single for close to 2 years now, but previously have been trying to put myself out here in the hope that I will find my prince charming. but since I stopped all that and channeled my energy into other things, its been worth it. I can say, I am loving the woman I am becoming. though my friends believe am getting too comfortable being single. For the first time in my life I think am having a clearer view of what I want out of this life. What I want to make out of it, instead of just riding along.
Been studying the book of Ezekiel. I got to say, his calling was heavy, it required quite an obedient, dedicated spirit. Someone who totally denied themselves and was devoted to God. Any way, came across a chapter that was talking about sin and judgement.
A lot of times people are draw to the question or rather the idea that does God enjoy judging people, why create them if He knew they are going to sin, its as if its a planned judgment or something, since He already knows what we are going to do. Am sure it has crossed your mind a couple times, or at least have heard about it.
Well chapter 18 opened my eyes to something. I read about Him not interested in seeing people dying in their sins and that sending these warnings, its to make them repent. I read about how those who do good but decide to turn bad, will face judgement, and those who have been on the bad side of things but decides to repent, their past is forgotten. But one thing was consistent, it all centered on what man decides to do and that our own choices affects everything. After finishing the chapter, I had a simple yet deep understanding that GOD IS JUST.
What does that mean? for certain it means God is not biased in anyway unlike us humans. He makes sure that we receive what we deserve accordingly. WE COULD SAY IMPARTIAL. That kind of rules out the whole idea of a preplanned destruction. in my opinion, yes he knows what we are capable of doing good or bad, but leaves us to make a choice for our selves. but those choices are not going to go unnoticed. if it was preplanned then that mean the moment someone who has been living a life of sin decides to change He wont let that happen because it wont be according to His plan.
Live your life knowing that God is just. your works will speak for you and determine your destiny. How you choose to live your life now will have an impact to what you shall receive when you face the King. If you are saved by grace, don’t live a life of sin thinking because of the other good things you will be safe, No you will face your judgement.
And if you have been living outside God, not aligning to His will , word or ways, the moment you come to Him, he clears off All records of the past and give you a chance of an eternal life. Once you ask for forgiveness , and choose what right He forgives and gives another chance. He won’t hold the past against you.
Just to share my bible study for the day. the goal is to learn more about God and understand as well, not just knowing. its a personal journey, this may not hit you hard as it did to me. when you set on a journey to try and understand more of God and His ways, a simple scripter can come with a deeper meaning to your life that you may not be able to explain but you can feel it in your heart. this is me today.
Had an interesting conversation with someone dear to me recently. She mentioned something that triggered me.
We were discussing about my next move in terms of my career. She was encouraging me to have faith, you know the usual talk: pray about it, ask God to direct you etc. Then she said, “the more we have an understanding of the word of God, the more we walk in victory.” ok I kinder paraphrased, but it sounded more like that .
It got me thinking, sometimes it isn’t that we don’t know the word of God, but we don’t understand the real depth of it. We know that God loves us but do we understand what that means?
The reason why we kinder brush it off when someone says God loves you, because we lack the understanding of what it truly means. The weight of that statement is actually heavier than it sounds.
So on my journey, one of the things that I have been working on is getting to know God’s love, but now am shifting to understanding it.
The voice in me 