beyond measure
The day I gave myself permission to be me.
The weight dropped
The veil came off
And the giant within me breathed for the first time
No more shrinking myself
No more war inside of me
A battle over how to feel, how the act or how to Be
Only but just peace
Peace with my past, present and the version am becoming
The full package of me
My strengths, my weaknesses
My right, my wrong
My good, my bad
All of it
Just taking it all in
Finally accepting myself for who I am.
It’s ok to be me
I must confess, I am still internalising this. After my small meltdown last night, I got reminded of James chapter 4. Not what I expected in my dark moments.
I was busy complaining to God about how my walk in faith has been weakening over the years, and also how I kept on believing despite the many disappointments.
Two words came to me, ‘Rebellious spirit’. At first I was like,’ excuse me, who is rebellious,I am here praying aren’t I?’ Then like any other convictions, all the areas that I have been silently rebelling against God came to mind.
Well I first googled what the word means and apart from the one that we all think of, there was another one that spoke of the condition of one’s heart towards God.
It felt cruel but undeniable, the very words that I have been using crying to God over and over again, carried with them a spirit of rebellion.
That’s when it occurred to me, I was being rebellious, directly confronting the authority of God over my life, because clearly in my own view I have been doing everything He asks of me to do, but He has not fulfilled any of His promises to me. I felt like God had disappointed me time and again, and now I was making decisions based on whether I want to or not and not on whether the Holy spirit wants me to or not.
Quietly in my seemingly godly Christian mask, I was carrying the rebellious spirit , feeding into it everyday with every challenge that comes my way. (Eg.They fired me even though I didn’t do anything wrong , this is the job you gave me, I didn’t ask for it). I wasn’t verbally saying that but it was in my heart, somewhere where obviously He could clearly see.
At least verse 7 talkes about how we can get right with God on that, by simply humbling ourselves, and submitting to Him in all honesty. And only then will He lift us up.
Aren’t you carrying a rebellious spirit too?
Are you still going to submit to God despite all that has happened to you? Or have you walked away from your faith. Which is the foundation from which everything else builds on.
I must say, I am not a health specialist or a nutritionist and my recent small win, I just can’t find an explanation.
Towards the end of February,I was wasn’t happy with my appearance and weight so I made a decision that for March I was going to put myself on a weight gaining challenge. The goal was to gain enough weight for me to move from the underweight BMI to the healthy BMI.
Last week I posted that it doesn’t have to make sense to everyone, when you are on your journey to archive something, however truth be told it won’t make sense to you as well.
The first 2 weeks into the month of March, I was on a roll , gaining a kg per weeks and it felt good. Then came the plateau, I remained on the same weight for 2 consecutive weeks well kinder slightly declined on the last one and I felt discouraged.
Am at work now, feeling stretched and exhausted from overnight travel, and a week that felt like dragging a huge stone around my neck, if you looked at my schedule, the skipped meals, the stress, depression in-between ,it wouldn’t make sense that I am actually moving forward.
I stepped on the scale today and found out that I hit the target, reached the milestone.
It’s a strange, quiet victory, it doesn’t make sense to the parts of me that demands “perfect consistency” , but that’s the point, Growth happens in the gaps we can’t always explain. Sometimes your body and your spirit are working on a level that defies the chaos on the surface. The small little miracles we often don’t look out for.
When was the last time you saw progress in your life that didn’t make sense based on the struggle you were in?
When you know where you are heading. Be it your financial goals, career goals, business goals or even personal growth goals, not everyone will understand. And they don’t need to.
You know what you want to archive and that’s all that matters. Others will catch along the way , if they ever do, but at the end of it all they will celebrate with you. Be it in good faith or not, they will see the result of the process one way or the other. But during the process,they don’t have to know it all.
Dear Child, some days feel like everything wants to go wrong. You get stripped of all your confidence. And life will not give you a break to recover. It will be blow after blow, until you can literally feel the pain with every heart beat. I mean physical pain.
Not everyday is a good day, but you don’t have to label it bad. It’s a learning curve.
And that too is ok. You are not broken or unfit, you are just a work in progress, give yourself some grace.
Own up to your mistakes or shortcomings but don’t let them define who you are. Rather use these as opportunities to create a definition who you are in the face of a crumbling world. –Resilient , accountable, sincere, humble and capable
All notable qualities necessary in life to survive storms. Whether the storms are self made or not.
Cheers !
For the greater part I have been writing stuff,on different platforms,bleeding onto the pages with no clear directions.
Writing has been holding me together despite everything else not making sense. But I still didn’t have a clear picture of who I am, where I want to go and what I want to do .
But in the silent turmoil, there were subtle changes. Out of it all came out a story, a story worth telling , a story worth sharing, a story no entirely about me ,but about every single soul that choses to connect.
Here’s to new beginnings.
Watch the space and let’s make a life beyond measures.
#Your story matters# living for His Glory#Beyondmeasure.
What is your favorite type of weather?
My favourite type of weather is the one that will feed into my soul depending on its needs.
When I feel sad and gloomy , a cold or rainy day will do, that way I get to stay at home,in my comfy clothes and every excuse to drink as many cups of hot chocolate, to heal my brokenes.
When I am feeling extra cheerful, a nice warm ,sunny weather will do. That way I get to be outside, smell the roses, take a walk, sing a little and maybe, just maybe make a new friend.
My favourite kind of weather is the one that allows me to wear what I want to wear and feel right about it.
I can’t say much. But from the silence I am getting insights of things I never really picked up.
For instance , the new confidence and command I hold in my profession. Slowly I have transitioned from the timid, follower, who never really trusted her own judgement. To a more confident leader knowing just what to do in any given situation
Another thing, just realising my super power to read the room. If only I had always listened to it, it would have saved me a lot of heartbreak. But well it’s also coming with its own pain. As I just know when what I am being given is fake. I won’t lie , sometimes I wish to be wrong.
Interestingly my internal campus has developed muscles that surprise even me. Not that I am a genius or perfect person, but have developed a whole new meaning to who I am, what I believe in and where I want to go. Hence the distractions along the way, I can clearly see them for what they are.
Have also been noticing my flaws and a push or desire to work on them. How I can change the narrative. Shifting to a more productive and meaningful flow.
Lastly , have decided on what my goal is, new core values, new focus, and new me.
Am different now. So expect different.
The voice in me 