The voice in me

Got to say it was an uplifting realization. You know, a lot of times we hear preachers, teachers and motivational speakers saying that ;when nothing seem to be happening , prayers not being answered , it doesn’t mean that God is not doing anything. We often hear the statement, ‘He is working behind the scenes’ often followed with a ‘soon it will all make sense. Hang in there’. Well I kinder had somewhat experience of this.

For the longest time, I have battled low self esteem, self doubt , lack of confidence , you name it all. I was disappointed in myself that I never really have much fruit in things that I put my whole body, mind and soul into. Was often just a discouraged soul trying to get trough life.

A couple of months ago, made a decision to work on me for a while, hence the decision to be celibate. Started a journey of self discovery, or so I called it. The main focus was to work on finding me, sort of define myself. And am happy to say that have picked up a thing or two, which I may or may not have posted before. For example, now have a personal mission statement. Am embracing my interests, and cultivating into them. No longer hiding away or brushing away my feelings or emotions but rather respecting them and working on them. If something ticks me off, am not letting it mess me around, I confront it, in the nicest possible way. Been working on becoming more optimistic and not a pessimist.

So my bible study yesterday lead me through a series of scripture that in summary were focusing on how much the things in our heart can affect how we respond to the world. Had to reflect a bit, my thoughts had been pretty negative, and the source of this negativity seemed to steam up from unresolved issues. Took me some time to be honest with myself. I then discovered a huge gap that had been growing in me since my early years. On realizing this, it all made sense and to make it even crazier, though I was feeling blue, when I picked up my issue, it was like I got set free, cant explain the feeling, as if whatever was weighing my heart, got lifted. But it doesn’t stop there, I did my research on how people can heal and recover from this and what do you know, the very steps that were recommended by mental health professionals is exactly what I have been doing on my journey.

Its like the whole time, though I did not see any change in the main issues I thought were the problem, God was already leading me through my journey of healing from the actual problem. I thought I was just doing theses things you know because I want to, but it was already in His plan. Was already in my healing journey, and didn’t even know what I was healing from, but God already knew. I hope this makes sense to someone.

I did not realize that all my problems were rooted on a particular hurt, which I carried in my heart. Though subtle, it controlled pretty much everything.

Am no mental health guru, but I do believe that most of our problems come from our mind, and what’s in our heart. God was not opening certain doors because He knew I still had some healing to do. This has given me courage to continue on the path, and strengthened my trust in GOD.