Funny how this was actually part of my bible study points. As children of God we are called into being disciples (followers) so that we in turn make our own disciples as we grow (leader). Am very much a follower, at the same time have a couple of people following me .
My career role , requires me to be a leader, so its not a matter of choice but rather a necessity. But since am a junior, have to be a follower, I guess they call it shadowing those above me, and again in turn I have someone shadowing me as well.
But given a choice, I wouldn’t know what to chose, the responsibilities carried by being a leader can be satisfying but also overwhelming. Being a follower, its only your willingness to submit that’s required , however it can also be limiting in a way. So I guess am on the crossroad, would enjoy the benefits of both sides and bear the costs of both sides, somehow balancing it all together
Am completely comfortable with my body. Barely over the underweight mark according to BMI calculations. But I think my relationship with food has to change at some point. Its a love hate situation.
Often when asked, what’s your favorite meal, or snack, my brain literally goes blank. I used to hate cooking, let alone eating. Perhaps its the fact that my appetite is easily affected by many things, silly things even, things that wont make sense to an average human. Examples, if there is a crowd or family gathering of more than 10 people, the last thing on my mind is eating. If I see the way food is being prepared and it doesn’t sit well with me, I wont eat. if I get pissed off , or am sick, or its just a blue day, I wont eat. Too tired , or too hungry, wont eat, too excited , wont eat, too busy, wont eat. There will be times am craving something, in particular, or hungry for a specific thing, and if I don’t find it or its too expensive, then that’s it, I won’t eat. TALK ABOUT CRAZY!
Then there are times, I get inspired from watching cooking videos or channels. Its like a switch is flipped, and all of a sudden, I become a world class chef who is a foodie. But these are just rare moments.
If there is ever a thing i can improve, it would be my eating habits.
Perhaps should also be concerned about how am feeding my soul too. You know reading more of the word of God. For all I know , I could also be barely with in the recommended BMI spiritually, if there is ever such a thing.
There I was raw to the core, but he had some what faith in me. Did I have a clue to what I was doing much of the times, No! If one was to describe me when I first started this job, one would say, naïve, ignorant, unexperienced, and timid individual. Well this is a story of A person who made me find hope in my profession.
I was coming from a different place, holding similar responsibilities, but at the verge of throwing in the towel. A lot of self doubt and low self esteem had grown. This was the beginning of my second year of working after college. Girl had a pretty rough time but wasn’t ready to give up yet. Truth be told I was only faking it, hoping that I will eventually make it. My first few days, He would be there monitoring my work. Chipping in with advice from time to time. It felt like he was the crutch I needed to help me start walking again. with time I gained confidence and started walking on my own. Things changes for the better. The story does not end there, mistakes are bound to happen, and sure enough, I had my fair share, many that made me fall back from time to time, But side by side with our co- CEO, they shielded me till I got the strength to stand up again. I can safely say, I found my passion again, I fell in love again with my Job. By having the right people standing by me and for me through the highs and the lows. I hope to do the same for others.
To me freedom means submission to that which allows me to be the real me. Come to think of it the word freedom usually mean absence of necessity or constrain to ones choices and actions. But if we really dive deep into it, or even at the surface, one way or the other, our choices or actions are not really ours. Whether we like it or not we live a life yielded to something or someone.
Many countries and states, were once colonies and they fought their way to ‘freedom’. But was it really freedom? Or it was just a change of power? At 18 one is considered an adult and free to do as they will. but are they really free to do as they please or now they are subject to a different set of rules. Reality hits hard , hence the famous phrase in my circle, ‘growing up us a prank‘. in short at that age one starts Adulting.
So for me FREEDOM is when I willingly put myself under someone or something , that allows me to freely be my authentic self resulting in all things positive or good. Hence that’s why I choose to let Christ be the Lord of my life, FOR IN HIM IS TRUE FREEDOM.
Ok! We are getting closer to finishing the first half of the year, and its been quite a roller-coaster. Some days better than others. Today was one such example of how life gives you the highs and the lows.
No need to go into details, but obviously work is involved since I spend much of my time there. Talk about my finances, things not adding up. but one thing I liked about it all, is that at the end of the day, I accepted the news, both the good and the bad. I don’t have it all figured out, but I still have my peace. The old me would have spent the night crying, asking myself a million questions. However today, I even dined with my work colleagues, chatting and laughing, sharing heartfelt moments. Back at my place, I know my reality has not changed, but I trust God will see me through, I will just do my part whole heartedly, the rest, he will have to chip in. After all am doing this life thing with him.
Of late , haven’t been really going to church, or participating much in church programs. Partly because I was swamped with work. But that doesn’t mean my relationship with God is non existent. Crazy how God is just so gently, so forgiving, and so welcoming. He loves me all the same, despite what I do, it don’t change anything. I guess to some extent my love for Him was also being tested, despite whatever happens will I keep on loving Him. Despite the closed doors, denied paths, missed blessings, misplaced passions, betrayal, disappointments, heartbreaks, all the things that happen to an average human being, will I still love Him. Turns out am stuck on Him too.
I didn’t land my dream job, I didn’t get the guy I thought I would marry, my net worth right now can be considered a joke. Am still not sure about my calling. I have lots of failed ideas. But here I am still believing. Though now its not believing for things, but just a genuine relationship with Him. Although all the things listed there were very much strong prayer points at some point in my life. I don’t know what the next 10 years hold for me, all I know is the only thing that has been consistent is God himself. So am just going to put my hand in His and see where this goes,
Long answer, perhaps its time I open up to the world around me, little by little. Been so focused on my journey I hardly get involved in those around me. Am a Christian, but I last went to church some few weeks ago. The only community I have been engaging with its just online platforms. So basically its been work, home, and phone, that’s about it
I am part of an organization with monthly contributions to help the less fortunate. Just been sending money never went there physically like they usually do to distribute the things. Am involved in online youth sessions, bible studies , prayer etc. I have also recently started an online youth program at my church back home, called Real Talk, which seeks to tackle difficult topics or issues the church is being silent about. Mostly we plan on discussing issues the young people want us to discuss. I guess also sharing my stories here on this platform is being involved in a community. But then again its online.
90 % of the people involved on these online platforms don’t even know me. I even got a nickname at my current church, ‘GHOST’.
So am I really contributing, if they don’t even know about me? Its probably just a name saved in their contacts, or on google meet. and that’s about it.
This question has made me think. Am I really being involved, or am in the shadows?
Winter time is here and I can feel the chill building up. But its rather unusual this time. I mean am used to the kind of winter were we have warm weather for sometime, it can even be 2 months in and then July shows us the big guns. But its been 5 days into May and am pulling out all my warm supplies. I wonder what July is going to be like if we starting off like this.
Not so long ago it was raining heavily, making it unenjoyable to go outside for walks or running errands. The Blazing heat interluding ,from time to time, giving us an opportunity to soak ourselves in the warmth of the day. Though it would get a little extreme sometime.
Back then, now would be the time to rest the fields as farmers pull back to enjoy the fruit of their labor during the farming season. But with the increase knowledge, equipment and skill, people can go all round producing various kinds of crops based on market demand and season.
Its beautiful non the less. I have learnt to enjoy each season as it comes for such is life, things keep on changing. Though ironically nothing is ever new under the sun. Knowledge may increase, skill may further more develop, but the world will still be governed by seasons.
I long to be loved and to love. Am on a celibate journey, but days like today, make me long for little bit more. I made this decision to give myself time and space to figure out myself. It was my deepest desire to find myself and love myself.
Days like these, make me wonder. Ever felt a longing for a presence that is not there. But even in my lowest points, am not interested in the parties knocking on my door. Then again, its been a while since I went to church, its been a while since I prayed for a long time , like spending time in God’s presence. Perhaps my deepest desire is God after all. The loneliness is because I haven’t been conscious about His presence
Have been ignoring my feelings. I know there is something brewing in my heart, but I haven’t been able to process it. the lack of appetite, sleeping a lot and not being interested with social media, surely something is wrong. Its been like this for a couple of days. Going out with friends didn’t fill the void. talking to family didn’t do the trick either, besides they are quite busy. But putting it here has made it feel a bit lighter.
ONE THING IS FOR SURE, AM LONGING FOR MY DEEPEST DESIRE.
Finally a question I can use to express what this blog is all about.
I have been on a journey of discovering myself , one can say finding my story, and one of the recent lesson has been on finding my truth or what I truly stand for. I believe when you have figured out what your core belief system is, what governs your life choices , moral campus, attitude etc., you start being authentically yourself, expressing yourself unapologetically to the world and above all, know where you are going or what you want to create as well as clarity on your life path. In summary, direction!
I have learnt that, whatever it is that we subject ourselves to, will pretty much detect our lives. The saddest part of this is sometimes we don’t even know it. If you subject yourself to fear, everything you do will be under the influence of it. Many people are afraid of death or lonliness, hence their decisions are always set of a path that escapes that. Some are afraid of failing , and that can either lead to over working themselves or not even trying at all. Some are afraid of being themselves so they hide in the shadow or imitations of others.
For me, what gives me direction is the truth that I find in Christ. It has been and even more so now, the center of my moral values. Crazy how such a simple statement carries so much more than that.
I struggled to fully comprehend this myself because even though I have been a Christian for many years, its not always that I knew where I was going. Lets be honest life is so unpredictable. From life’s experiences I allowed myself to be subject to a couple of things despite being a so called child of God . Fear was one of them, fear of success, hence instead of fighting for my dreams to be what I believed in my heart I could be , I accepted defeat. Another thing that was directing my life was low self esteem. Because I wasn’t sure about who I am I was just going which ever way possible, the path of less resistance as I would call it. Clearly there is no way all these things could be the main source of direction for my life, no wonder I was often in confusion.
Yes I sort of believed the word of God at the same time doubt that I would be good enough, and not even sure if I truly have to do or to be something. But in my current journey, I finally got to let go of my fears, be sure of who I am and then finally submit to only one thing, the truth, the word of God.
Its not easy to chose this path of believing that life is in the hands of a higher power you cant see or hear. But having Jesus in my life, and truly walking in His way, has made life much clearer and easier as i allow Him to lead me on through His word.
The voice in me 