beyond measure
Last year I started a series. around this time. it was a short story challenge. Kind of left it midway. I think its time to do a part 2 and see how it goes.
Its been a hectic season, a lot of changes been happening. Non the less am back to blogging, though still trying to find a suitable routine.
REBELLIOUS HEARTS PART 2 COMING SOON
You had me , but didnt want me
oh what wonderful moments we shared
the pure joy, smiles and laughter
side by side we faced the world together
silly dates, random road trips
I thought it meant love
but time proved us wrong
you had me but you didn’t want me
maybe thats why you left.
I wrote this after I healed. Looking back I still didn’t get the lesson behind having met this person. Its something I ask God from time to time. Everything seemed right but it wasn’t. Am sure many people experience the same thing. I believe the phrase is love bombing or ghosting, I don’t know really. How could he have wanted me if I didn’t want myself? Am happy with where I am now. In my celibacy I have learnt to love myself and like the person I am. I know I will love again, just maybe not now.
Funny how I had to first google the year internet was officially made accessible in my country, and it so happen to be the year I was born. However with the way things slowly pick up pace and spread to the general public I had a glimpse of the life without internet in my early years, well, as far back as I can remember.
During my childhood, internet wasn’t really a thing, for the most part I didn’t have access to it. It was more of going outside to play with other kids in the streets. Relaying on these huge books we called encyclopedia, and actual dictionaries, for us to do our homework. If not, kids would go asking around in the neighborhood searching for answers. The games we played were such that we would come back home with bruises and dusty feet. Everyone knew everyone in the neighborhood. Letters were a thing too. I do recall having to go to the post office once or twice. Don’t even start on ‘stamp collection’, I recall my sisters doing some kind of school project about that. Visiting friends and family was truly a joyful occasion as it would have been ages being out of touch.
Limited in knowledge and information true, but we had it real. We were still Intune with humanity and ourselves.
No creativity or story to write today. That’s just about it.
I cried! Oh my, why am such a cry baby. But yes ! I cried again today. It had been a long while since I did such a thing while at work. But I felt overwhelmed with emotions, I stepped away from my client, went in my office and cried. Thank God my boss was there he took over.
Now that am reflecting, what hurt me the most is the amount of effort, heart, mind and strength I put into helping this person, only for them to take it as if its all nothing. This tapped into the raw areas of my life am working on. It tapped into that zone of unresolved issues am trying to unpack and deal with: low self esteem. This incident helped me understand that whenever my effort is not accepted or acknowledged, I get triggered. If I pour my heart out on anything, which is what I usually do, and it doesn’t work out, I get triggered of the long standing negative belief systems: ‘not good enough’, ‘nothing I ever do works’ ‘am of no significance’.
However am happy to say that today I bounced back faster than I usually do. Back then my whole day would be ruined, but today even as I type I feel this release, this joy, in me, though the issue is no where close from being over. But there is this peace in me knowing that I gave it my best and that is enough. And the peace in my heart, perhaps its God telling me that I see you, you are alright, I got you. So am fine now.
Perhaps am making progress in my healing journey, learning that my confidence should not relay on validation from people or results, rather from the one who created me. What matters most is that my heart is in the right place. I choose Jesus anytime any day, because He really does help. Of cause I still have to work my way around the matter, but I will be doing it with a free heart, which frees my potential to do even more. My self esteem is slowly growing and its totally depended on God who by the way, NEVER FAILS.
Cheers!
The chilly breeze
Gloomy skies
and lonely nights
As I twist and turn to find the perfect warm spot
All the same i love the weather, it reminds me how preciouse life is when shared together
A cup of hot chocolate, with my favorite sweater on reading a heart warming book, Quickly brushes off the blues
But at first glance I will say, I feel lonely.
In reality I escaped having a broken leg in an accident I was involved in a couple of years ago. But lets not talk about what could have happened and lets talk about what actually happened.
I had a dream growing up, I hoped to be something I greatly admired . A profession I fell in love with at the tender age of 10. However at 18, was denied that path. I was crushed to the core. Yes, that was a broken bone right there. It was the first time I experienced something they call depression. To be honest I was completely sold and wanted nothing else, only to be told I wasn’t good enough. A story I had been told time and time again on different aspects of my life. And just like that it was taken away from me.
But mine is a tail of personal growth. The denied path only led my to a greater version of me that I never imagined I would be. I rose above the grief, and found my strength. I was broken, but the brokenness created something beautiful.
For the most part, we often hope that life brings us happy returns. They say life is full of ups and downs, referring to the good times and bad times. But of late my life has been a mixture of both at the same time. A cup of sweet hot chocolate with extra salt in it . Scratch the last part if it doesn’t make sense to you.
Currently studying the book of Mark, I noticed how Jesus’s ministry was more of a bittersweet experience too. At one end there are religious leaders with pure hatred towards Him and at the other a crowd of desperate people in need of him. The crazy part is His own family and friends misunderstood Him (chapter 3 verse 21 and 31).
In a single day one side of my life may be productive, while the other is full of chaos. Its a bittersweet experience. I rarely have a time that am like 100% happy with no disturbing issue by the side.
I got a bit of comfort after reading this. I am not the only one who experiences this. If my own Master faced the same, and still conquered so will I and so will YOU.
We already have the strength within us to face it all.
Funny how this was actually part of my bible study points. As children of God we are called into being disciples (followers) so that we in turn make our own disciples as we grow (leader). Am very much a follower, at the same time have a couple of people following me .
My career role , requires me to be a leader, so its not a matter of choice but rather a necessity. But since am a junior, have to be a follower, I guess they call it shadowing those above me, and again in turn I have someone shadowing me as well.
But given a choice, I wouldn’t know what to chose, the responsibilities carried by being a leader can be satisfying but also overwhelming. Being a follower, its only your willingness to submit that’s required , however it can also be limiting in a way. So I guess am on the crossroad, would enjoy the benefits of both sides and bear the costs of both sides, somehow balancing it all together
Does that make sense?
Am completely comfortable with my body. Barely over the underweight mark according to BMI calculations. But I think my relationship with food has to change at some point. Its a love hate situation.
Often when asked, what’s your favorite meal, or snack, my brain literally goes blank. I used to hate cooking, let alone eating. Perhaps its the fact that my appetite is easily affected by many things, silly things even, things that wont make sense to an average human. Examples, if there is a crowd or family gathering of more than 10 people, the last thing on my mind is eating. If I see the way food is being prepared and it doesn’t sit well with me, I wont eat. if I get pissed off , or am sick, or its just a blue day, I wont eat. Too tired , or too hungry, wont eat, too excited , wont eat, too busy, wont eat. There will be times am craving something, in particular, or hungry for a specific thing, and if I don’t find it or its too expensive, then that’s it, I won’t eat. TALK ABOUT CRAZY!
Then there are times, I get inspired from watching cooking videos or channels. Its like a switch is flipped, and all of a sudden, I become a world class chef who is a foodie. But these are just rare moments.
If there is ever a thing i can improve, it would be my eating habits.
Perhaps should also be concerned about how am feeding my soul too. You know reading more of the word of God. For all I know , I could also be barely with in the recommended BMI spiritually, if there is ever such a thing.
The voice in me 