The voice in me

I said I would get a little personal, guess I can start here.

Today, had one of those chilled solo dates, was in a quiet corner, having my Cafe latte and blueberry muffin with my current read.

Night before had cried myself to sleep, asking God why He had to create me. I was just seeing my flaws,weaknesses, disappointments. Not a single positive thing could come to mind. I pretty much felt defeated.

As I was reading, I realized what I was doing,  is exactly what the 12 spies did when they came back from spying on the land they were given by God . Site of giants inhabiting the land made them feel like grasshoppers.  I constantly feel this way with regards to my job. Either feeling like am not as good enough as the others out there doing the same job. Or feeling like all my  efforts  are insignificant, compared to the expected outcome. Feel like am always missing the mark, not brave enough to overcome and do my job well.

So yes I felt a little overwhelmed the day before and became drowning in self doubt, my insecurities rising above everything else. I literally doubted every decision I made during the day.  I know days like these exist for almost everyone. The question now is what do we do when we hit our rock bottoms which happens often than not ?

I looked at Joshua and Caleb, how I pray to have their courage.  It looked simple and possible to them because they believed that they weren’t alone to face the gaints.  Perhaps instead of looking at my weaknesses, I should look at His Strengths….as the book stated.

He allowed me to take this role so He equipped me to be enough. Am work in progress and He is the one working on me. All I have to do if fix my eyes on Him. He didn’t bring me this far to leave me.

By the way am reading ‘ Authentically, uniquely you‘  by Joyce Meyer.

Cheers!

I keep finding myself here whenever I feel overwhelmed.  Initially this blog was supposed to be that of encouraging and teaching or learning God’s word. But somehow I find myself thinking about writting when am down and maybe frustrated.

It’s like my little safe corner. I get to let out my little mishaps which perhaps I would have failed to express in the moment.

Funny thing is I barely write what was wrong, but just hope to find a bit of space to lighten up my heart. 

Anyway, I don’t mean to say seeing me posting means something terrible has happened. It’s just that this season it has been a bit rocky.

It’s been everything really, WORK, relationships, career plans, emotional matters., spiritual and physical health.

If I don’t get side tracked,  I think I will write about each of these , one at a time.

Perhaps start with relationships,  explaining why I made a certain decision. 

Cheers!

Took me a couple of days to find my feet again. I know the blows may keep on coming, am not healed yet neither am I strong enough yet. But I stand on this one thing : He still reigns.

The one who sits on the throne of grace is righteous, just and full of love. He is the rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. He is sovereign and every life is in the palm of His hands.

So I will fix my eyes on Him. Trust that He has my back and will not fail me. I serve a living God. And that’s all I have to hold on to. Nothings else. Just Him.

Writing this makes me tear up a little.  Been feeling a little lost. In my faith,career and social life. Writing always makes me feel a little better so decided to put it all here.

Ofcause there is no way I will explain all the details. But in this my temporary moment of weakness,finding people who I can trust and share my concerns is helping me navigate .

The storm has been ranging , blow after blow in unexpected ways in different aspects of my life. It only takes a little effort for the negatives to swallow me up.

In moments like these godly advice is really necessary. Right now am just listening taking note. Don’t have the strength to do all I have been told to do yet. But am sure I will.  Am just trying to recollect myself. At the verge of making decisions that will affect the rest of my future. Am sure mistakes will be made in the long run. But for now I am recognizing and admiting that I AM LOST. Must find my way to move forward.

Do everything without complaining or arguing.  Philippians 2:14.

I pray that God gives me the grace to hold myself together. The patience to endure what life offers and love that overcomes all.

Where ever I find myself, home, work, church, social gatherings,  may I choose to live peacefully with all man. Nomatter how hard it is.

Been one of those trying moments, but I tell myself ‘kulungile baba ‘. Trying hard not to find reasons.  But it’s really hard. Holding back the tears but the knife has already struck my heart. I can’t pretend not to feel the pain, but my lips ought to remain clean. But my heart is screaming, the rage is brewing from within,  suppressed by the spirit man trying to obey God.

Oh how I wish I could just speak and not be worried about any repercussions. A space to say what I feel and not be told it’s being faithless.  To let my heart rest of this internal turmoil

But it’s fine,  the narrow road is what we chose and this is what we will face.

So far we have learned that there is always a promise. But with each promise comes a problem..when problem arise we tend to be negative and doubt God. But the trials we face don’t mean that the promises are lies rather it requires us to have Faith and belive in God . Also that it’s only God’s word that tells us the truth about who we really are and only He can help us get there .

Let’s look at the second ….

the story of Joseph.

He had a promise (a dream) but found himself in a pit, to being a slave ,then  prisoner . This was the total opposite of what he truly was. We were never told what went through Joseph’s mind in all this but the fruits speak for themselves.  As a slave he was the man in charge, in prison like wise. Why is it that despite him being in just devastating places he seemed to be excelling.  We are only told one thing, that they could tell that God was with him. He did not compromise his belief when Potifas wife wanted to seduce him. He did not stop believing in dreams even though his own had led him to the pits. He even went on to interpreting dreams for others. He chose to remain faithful in what he knew and also with what he had.

For many of us this has not been the story. We had the promise (dream) ,it led us to the pits and we gave up. I encourage you today to pick yourself up from where you have fallen, start believing again. And be faithful with what you have where ever it is that you are. Being rooted in the word means believing and living what the word says. Then shall you be planted by the waters and bear much fruit.

Where have you rooted yourself in? Frustrations and doubts? Why not try God, He provides living waters.

Picking up from yesterday,I believe the question was why do we doubt God? I had to take a moment and reflect on  a few things.  If I plan a trip somewhere, I sit down and relax in the bus or car or plane, not even thinking much about what can go wrong. But when it comes to life’s journey, I seem to want to take the steering wheel , accelerate at some point or  slowdownat some point. May be a weird analogy,  but if God is the one who is our Lord and King and we rely on His guidance,  how come we just don’t trust Him.

And the funny part of it is , sometimes we don’t realize we don’t trust God as much as we think. No matter how prayerful of a person you claim to be there is always that one thing that can make you , even for a second question God’s moves.

The preacher highlighted something I found interesting. When God asked Sarah she denied having laughed.  But it looked more like a confrontation to Sarah’s unbelief,  do you think after she held Isaac in her hands she would doubt God again?

Food for thought, what if these challenges and bad things happen for us to realise the never ending ability of God that works through us. Let’s be honest, bad things happen to everyone. Whether you are a Christian or not, life happens to everyone. And when these trying moments happen, they helps us know that we don’t have to rely on our own abilities but God’s ability to overcome. Maybe, just maybe people will realise why they need God in their lives.

Someone may ask, “So you mean to say God just allows these things to happen to us so that we know He is God?”But from the way I look at it, the promises in the Bible are actually truths He has to say about us. And all He truly want us to realise is that by trusting in Him He can work a miracle in our lives for us to become who we truly are supposed to be.

The reality had told Sara that she was barren and old. But according to God’s word she was going to be the mother of many nations. And it was only God who could pull that one out.

Maybe reality has been telling you that you are a failure,  but what does God’s word say about you? What is His promise over your life? Are you going to allow yourself to be planted by the waters (rooted in the word ) so that you become what God says you are and be fruitful in what you do? Or you are going to take what reality has to offer and leave in constant pain ?

Cheers !

So yesterday we talked about the promise and the problem. Well let’s get a little deeper.

It’s good that we know the promises God has given us, but when the realities are the exact opposite, how we will react to this, will test the level of faith and trust in God.

As for me I failed the test a couple of time. While I was hurting from a crushed dream, someone came to me in good faith trying to encourage me, telling me to keep on having big dreams. At that time that was the last thing i wanted to hear it only added salt on the wound. Because of the hurts and the disappointments we go through, it’s so easy to brush off any positive words spoken to us. We don’t see it because we are living on the pain or have become comfortable in the dry Valley. We hoped at some point but nothing happened so we grew tired. We nolonger have the heart to raise our hopes up again because we want to avoid being hurt. So we develop a pessimist mindset.

However I wonder how God takes it when we do that. In the Bible we are told that God asked why did Sarah laugh? Perhaps this response was rather peculiar to him. After all isn’t He God, the great I Am?

While writing this I had to ask myself that question. Why is it that we quickly forget that He is a great provider, He has never failed and that He loves us. Why is it so hard for us to believe that He can restore what has been destroyed beyond repair . He can bring to live the dry bones. He can give us beauty for ashes and joy for the mourning. 

Maybe just maybe we are held up on the fact that we ask ourselves if He is so great to begin with , why did I have to go through the pain. Why didn’t He not just give me the promise without all this trials and tribulations. Maybe our unbelief is birthed from the fact that we are clouded by the hurt and the pain we don’t see Him . If He didn’t stop this from happening what will make Him change what has already been destroyed. On that I guess we can relate to Mary and Marther when their brother Lazarus died.

Will pause it here.

Cheers !

I remember one of the poems we were taught in the first grade.

Water ,water! What is water?

It was a simple poem which tought us the importance of water. At the end. We would then say water is life.

At the beginning of the sermon, 2 scriptures were shared. As follows

Clearly from these scriptures there is something about staying in God’s word that brings fruitfulness in us. And being rooted in God is being likend to a tree planted by the water (water which is life) .

Two case studies from the Bible were highlighted and today we gonna look at The story of Abraham.

Abraham was given a promise. He was told to leave his father’s house and go to a land which God would show him and build a great nation. Genesis 12.

When one is called to salvation, we are often told that if any man belongs to Christ everything becomes new. We are promised everlasting life. We are told that Christ came to give us life and life in its abundance. We are told we are more than conquerors in Christ. We are told we can do all things. We are told God will hear our prayers and answers us. We are told if we ask we shall be given. All of these are promises found in the word. However with each promise we have some reality checks that slap in the face.

For Abraham and Sarah they also had their own realities.

Just because you are now a Christian but still get sick doesn’t mean the promise of healing is a lie. The realities around us try to make it look like God’s word is a lie and is impossible.  With each promise there can be a problem. That’s when we are required to develop and grow our Faith.

Ever wondered why Abraham is considered the father of faith? He believed despite what he could clearly see with his own eyes.

Then there is me, any minor inconvenience, I immediately start doubting God’s love for me. As if I should not face any hardship at all. I just want everything to flow . But unfortunately something is required of me. To be rooted in God and His word. To have Faith in God. ……..

We stop there for today.

Just reflect about the promises you know from God’s word. Choose to ignore your realities and focus on the word. And just like a tree planted by the stream, you will bear fruits in season and never be afraid of the drought .

Cheers!