The voice in me

The real battle in life is right inside of us. Have always heard this statement, read about it, sang it, wrote about it,  but it had never really sunk deep.

Had a chat with my God given mentor, telling them my plans the way I always do, but with a sprinkle of ‘negativity ‘. Was told there and then , that I need to stop with my current vocabulary and cultivate my faith. It’s as if am doubting everything before starting . Was reminded that the Bible says a double minded person is unstable in all his ways. Also tells us that such should not expect to recieve from God ( James 1).  And guess what, for the greater part of my life , all my decisions have not been stable, life itself hasn’t been as stable not to mention the list of unanswered prayers or let’s say yet to be answered prayers.

I had to take some time to think,  why do I have this negativity towards life . In my mind  seeds were sown , by the devil ofcause. And these are some of the lies that have been controlling my life

1.  I will only recieve what God wants me to have not what I want.

2. I always desire the wrong thing , which is not good for me so God will not provide.

3. Nomatter what effort I put, there is something in my life, like a curse, that will make it all meaningless or unfruitful . So I don’t necessarily succeed in anything .

These are like the top 3 strongholds that the devil put in my mind. Coming from that mindset, planning anything ahead ,is already starting on self doubt and not even sure if God has my back.

I discovered mine and am working on changing that. And yes might share the journey here.

How about you,  what is controlling your life right now . What sets the bars for you? Victory from these start by you recognizing that there are certain strongholds in your life and it all starts in the mind.

Cheers!

Now where was I with the whole finding myself thing .

My mind is slowly accepting the decision of being celibate and intentionally getting to know myself better. There are comments of situations that have happend in the past few days which under normal circumstances would have hurt me pretty bad, but I wasn’t even bothered.

It kinder surprised me. I met someone from my past who I knew I had a weak spot in my heart for this person. They have always sent mixed signals then and even now. It used to bother me a lot but of late I discovered I couldn’t care less. This person nolonger have a hold on me.

Recently I respected my feeling towards a certain happening at work. I expressed them and had the issue addressed. It liberated me in a way. But I must say it wasn’t easy.  I literally cried afterwards because its not something I usually do. The feeling of guilt wanted to take over not to mention the tension at my work place.

Whether the issue was handled well or not,I was proud that for the first time I actually respected my feelings ,my hurt soul and disturbed peace of mind. I didn’t try to hide anything or just keep things in my heart. I had the matter addressed.  Well this of cause has come with a lot of cold shoulders because like I said it’s something I never did and offense was taken by people who wernt even involved. 

On a different note, I came across a post that said

“Knowledge is confidence “

Been trying to build up my confidence by increasing my knowledge in various things. Hoping this will help me in the long run.

Last but not least, am embarking on a journey of finding my sense of style as a lady.  From the way I dress to the way i do my hair,my overal look. Am trying to figure out what works for me. I have always been a shadow to other people’s styles particularly my sisters .

It hasn’t been easy I must say.

But am soldiring on.

Am on a journey to find my own voice and learn how to use it.

Embrace the new season. 

Live in the present.

Make the necessary adjustments as the day demands

Choose to do what’s brings peace in your soul.

Forgive more

Dream bigger

Plan it all

Let love lead the way

Don’t just drift along

Intentional live your life.

The journey to rebuilding myself surly started from me realizing that something was not right . Hence the need to make certain changes and certain decisions in my life. However I did not expect this to happen.

This morning was a little bit emotional about everything. Yes, I made my road map to what I need to do in this season. (The whole calculate the cost thing ).  But I felt like even if I try doing all this, how sure am I that it’s going to work? I was feeling a little helpless and hopeless.

Since all this was in the morning, I just decided to fast about it and ask God to help me know how to handle all these emotions.

While praying, I got reminded of the story of Peter and Jesus when He walked on water. Matthew 14: 22-36. Peter looked at the realities of the waves around him and that’s when he started to drown.

Jesus did not just catch him, but shed light into my dark moments, by just asking a single question.  “Wherefore didst though doubt? “

That hit me to the core. I was focusing so much on the waves ,didn’t realize I was allowing doubt to creep in and take away the faith as well as the miracle/ blessing.

Honestly neither did I have the answer as to why I was doubting God. I realized that throughout the year, I have been looking at each wave as it was hitting on me. I forgot that I wasn’t alone and that I was walking towards Jesus in the first place.

It’s easier said than done ,to “live by faith” they say. But then again why do we doubt in the first place ? Does God ever fail?

Cheers !

The past few weeks I have been having a pretty hard time. Sleepless nights, random meltdowns, headaches, loneliness, you name it all.

I thought trying to find myself and love myself was going to be easy. Didn’t realise I was carrying so much baggage, so much hurt and confusion. I realized how much I didn’t know myself at all as a person. I had become so laid back that I nolonger had an opinion of my own of who I am and what I want.

Moving forward from here is not going to be easy.  I got to make calculated moves. In as much as life is mysterious and full of surprises I have to prepare atleast for what it will cost me to be a better version of my self.

I am at a break of a new beginning. Even if I don’t have it figured out, one way or the other I trust He will lead me to where am supposed to be.

So before we build into the future will take some time to evaluate what it gonna cost.

Cheers!

So I made one of those life changing decisions last month.  Funny how words have power. Truth be told, I think I was always called for this,but was just fighting it.

Yes, me! Celibate, but let me explain.

I have met really amazing people in my life.  Some I wished they felt the same way as I did, and some I prayed they would stop having feelings for me. First and foremost celibacy from what I understand,  is when one is not engaged in any sexual activity or marriage. Mostly common on the religious side of things. Something that seem like is my path in this life.

Despite having tried being in relationships,  i never felt at peace in any of them. I met people who offered good life, security,  marriage, lifetime packed with goals and dreams to be archived.  But all that did not sweep me off my feet. I met really amazing genuine people, whom friends and family approved in every respect,  but my heart was not sold.

Perhaps one can say I never fell in love or never gave love a chance, but trust me I tried and it seems like it’s not my cup of tea. Now let’s go to the day that made me set my mind officially over this decision.

Well am not gonna give all the details , otherwise it will be too long a post. I had some time to reflect on my love life after one of my recent meltdowns and noted a pattern. In all my failed relationship,  I was deemed unlovable,  unable to love or make them feel loved one way or the other.  I also wanted what I lacked from my partners.  And after thinking hard, I realized  the real problem was that, I did not love myself!   How can I love someone else if I hate every part of me, how can I allow someone else to love me if I despise everything about me.

When I realized this, I guess a decision had to be made,  had to start the journey of learning how to love myself and accept myself the way I am.

The only way I can find space and time to do that if I decide to switch off the whole idea of getting married and start putting some value on myself.

Am not saying my decision and my way of thinking is 100% correct. One can only do what they can . If it’s a wrong move , learn from it. If you nailed it , good for you.

I choose to be celibate in this season of my life because I need to move from the idea of finding someone who loves me , to actually loving myself.

For the first time today, I asked myself,what do I want ? What kind of career do I want?  What kind or work life do I want? What do I want from life?

I never asked myself these questions,  am now focusing on finding the answers.

#Getting a little personal 😌.

Cheers!