The voice in me

So I made one of those life changing decisions last month.  Funny how words have power. Truth be told, I think I was always called for this,but was just fighting it.

Yes, me! Celibate, but let me explain.

I have met really amazing people in my life.  Some I wished they felt the same way as I did, and some I prayed they would stop having feelings for me. First and foremost celibacy from what I understand,  is when one is not engaged in any sexual activity or marriage. Mostly common on the religious side of things. Something that seem like is my path in this life.

Despite having tried being in relationships,  i never felt at peace in any of them. I met people who offered good life, security,  marriage, lifetime packed with goals and dreams to be archived.  But all that did not sweep me off my feet. I met really amazing genuine people, whom friends and family approved in every respect,  but my heart was not sold.

Perhaps one can say I never fell in love or never gave love a chance, but trust me I tried and it seems like it’s not my cup of tea. Now let’s go to the day that made me set my mind officially over this decision.

Well am not gonna give all the details , otherwise it will be too long a post. I had some time to reflect on my love life after one of my recent meltdowns and noted a pattern. In all my failed relationship,  I was deemed unlovable,  unable to love or make them feel loved one way or the other.  I also wanted what I lacked from my partners.  And after thinking hard, I realized  the real problem was that, I did not love myself!   How can I love someone else if I hate every part of me, how can I allow someone else to love me if I despise everything about me.

When I realized this, I guess a decision had to be made,  had to start the journey of learning how to love myself and accept myself the way I am.

The only way I can find space and time to do that if I decide to switch off the whole idea of getting married and start putting some value on myself.

Am not saying my decision and my way of thinking is 100% correct. One can only do what they can . If it’s a wrong move , learn from it. If you nailed it , good for you.

I choose to be celibate in this season of my life because I need to move from the idea of finding someone who loves me , to actually loving myself.

For the first time today, I asked myself,what do I want ? What kind of career do I want?  What kind or work life do I want? What do I want from life?

I never asked myself these questions,  am now focusing on finding the answers.

#Getting a little personal 😌.

Cheers!